Posted by: minz | December 23, 2008

Old, weepy me

It’s three days before Christmas and our tree is golden, balls and all. I  managed to spruce it up with a lot of help from our yaya. The gifts are wrapped as well and it’s almost like our little home is counting down to the noche buena, along with the whole city.

It is at this point I start feeling sentimental. I was just telling Santi how I  seem to nurture a certain yuletide “glum” ever since I can remember. Of course, he doesn’t quite get why his wife is enveloped in a cloud of gloom during the merriest time of the year. I don’t get it myself but it has always been that way for me.

For one, I start to miss people.  And when I say missing, it’s not just longing for loved-ones who have passed or those who live abroad. I mean, even people I’m constantly with, I miss them.

Like right now, I miss my days with Santi in law school. By this time, classes are over and he would be driving home to the province. I, on the other hand, would fly out to Boracay with my family and miss him terribly. We’d stay on the phone and count the days til school starts. Now, that we’re finally together all the way to New Year, I miss that. Isn’t that the weirdest thing? I miss missing him like that. And ,heck, I miss school, too!

Secondly, I miss people I shouldn’t be missing. Either because we don’t factor into each others’ lives anymore or simply because things have changed so drastically. Irreparably, perhaps. Maybe that’s where most of my resident sadness comes from. Pondering about things and relationships that were but are not anymore.

To my mind, Christmas, with all its pomp, inadvertently creates false hopes. I start to hope that maybe on Christmas day, one phone call, one yuletide greeting over text can magically make things better. Restore whatever was lost.

Sometimes, it works out that way. People are usually nicer and more forgiving this time of the year. Then again, oftentimes, wounds that were struck deeper remain impervious to holiday cheer and..that’s what makes me sad. When the season of love and forgiveness can’t cut it, that’s already saying something about the magnitude of…hurt involved.

I know this much because even when I do long for those on the “shouldn’t” list, I can’t bring myself to say it’s ok. It’s Christmas. Let’s start over. And I’m sure they can’t, too. But I do wish them a merry one.  Sadly, that’s all I have, all there is.

And I know the birthday Boy can’t be happy about that.  I  guess, that trumps all of the reasons why I get sad. I get guilty. Period. To quote Cuba Gooding Jr’s character in Jerry Maguire, I’m not being a good “ambassador of kwan” and I’m not too proud of it.

I’m working on it though, working on it really hard. Maybe on His next party, I’d be  better. More of  His great, magnanimous Self  and less of weepy, old me. 

 

 

 

 

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