Posted by: minz | January 3, 2009

In Retrospect

At 3 am this morning, I received this note from 1/3 of a triumvirate that I’ve belonged to for the past ten years. She’s  spending the holidays back in the province and I’m scheduled to pick her up from the airport on Monday. The other third is 10,000 miles away, doing what she does best.  Surviving.

Then there’s me. Here.

The timing was a bit off. Lately, I  am experiencing some kind of a blogger’s block, if there is such a thing. I am having trouble writing…or  recalling stuff I intended to write about. Everything seem to move in slo-mo, including me. The holidays turned my brain cells into mush.

It’s a good thing that most memories are kept in the heart, where they can’t be touched. Where they survive even when the mind is too old and too tired to remember.I’m lucky to have, not one heart, but three. And this here is the sum,difference, product and quotient of all our hopes, dreams, and heartbreaks that one silly brain of mine can ever try to remember.

Dearest Minz and G,

You’re probably wondering why I am writing you. It has been quite a while since I’ve written any letter to anybody. Most of the time I envy you, Minz, for writing down your thoughts as easily as lighting your cigarette. Sometimes I wonder if my brain cells have been calcified or something. I was reading your last entry in your blog and am amazed at how you were able to recall all events in your life the past year with precise clarity. For my part, it felt like 2008 was a blur, like I have no memory of most of it. Then, it just hit me – it was the year that I died.

For both of you who have died and risen from the dead, all because of your ever trusting and selfless way of loving someone, you already know what it feels like to die. But for me, it’s been years since anyone has ever gotten through the barrier. My bad, though. Years of building the exoskeleton have rendered the inner body limp and weak. It was just a matter of time before somebody found the small door that led inside. When he did so, he made the barrier look like a mere stack of cards: you take out one, and the whole structure crumbles.

I was a zombie, for the most part. Talking to people like I was on remote control and doing things from muscle memory.Worst, l’ve forgotten how to pray. It is only now when I look back, that it was probably the devil’s hand that was leading me. Such was the travesty of 2008 for me.

But you know what? God’s hand was silently working back then. I know that now. Korny as this may sound, He was working through you – both of you. You held me together. Best still, you knew my innermost thoughts but was never quick to judge.

As for G, you were always there. I can’t describe the loneliness I felt when you left, but I’m holding on to the memories we had together not only as housemates, but as sisters. I thought I can never forgive you for leaving, but I know I was being selfish. All these years you have been there for your friends, selflessly giving your time despite your personal needs. It’s our turn now to be selfless for you. We know you have found your niche (to borrow Mina’s words) and all I can say is, go, girl! Spread your wings. The world awaits.

For some reason I cannot quite put a finger on, 2009 will be much, much better for us. Well, for starters, I AM ALIVE AGAIN! I am ready to live life; be kinder people; to be magnanimous; to be patient and loving and forgiving; to learn from my mistakes, but to never regret having made them.

Thank you, both of you. I cannot imagine living life without you. Heck, I cannot imagine how I would have survived without you.

I love you both very, very much.


C

Hey, ate, considering that I am still suffering from BB  (calcifying like yours), here is something I read from somewhere today, made me think of you and G. I love you both to bits.

““Was it hard letting me go?” With a playful laugh in her eyes, she answered, “What do you think? You don’t have to be intelligent to know the answer.” Then, in a serious tone, she added, “There are so many ways of loving, but there is a proper way of doing it. And choosing that proper way is the hardest thing one can ever do because it is what they usually call real love. It is either you’re stuck here with us and nothing good happens in your life, or we let you go and guide you so that you can live your life to the fullest.”

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